Updated: Apr 10, 2020
This morning I travelled in memory back to my childhood bedroom. I closed my eyes & settled into the space of it
I wake up with no alarm.
I lay in bed complete in safety, love & trust. There is no voice in my head, no insistence, no ambition.
I have no plan for the day. No expectation, nor a sense of purpose or reason.
There in a stillness here, a space of clear mind calmer than the transcendent exospheric state of meditation.
But this state of mind requires no effort of will, it is inherent in the boy who woke into those days.
This boy would grow to forget this feeling... He would be invited into an institution that encouraged him toward defining a utility for his being.
He would begin to form a sense of self based upon this expectation & become obsessed with searching for the purpose of his existence.
He would constantly be rewarded with recognition for finding reason in his actions.
As time passes the boy begins to believe that he will be unsafe in the world without defining himself by a purpose fit for its institutions.
He is instructed to study the lessons being offered to him & is put under pressure to pass the tests against which he is measured. He is made to feel that this is how he will be accepted by adults, his peers & his society.
He begins to feel a vast weight of expectation upon his shoulders.
He begins to consider time & starts to feel old. He forgets how to play.
He begins to feel stress & learns ways in which to cope. He begins to bite his nails.
He sets an alarm to wake him up in the morning, he has work to do. A given purpose to serve.
He builds a mind full of noise, a body filled with tension, he has a list of vices always close to hand ready to calm his nerve.
Then one day the world stops moving & all of its institutions close...
Suddenly momentum ceases & the world is forced to pause.
The boy wakes up to see that he sits surrounded by this idea of a man.
That the ageing shell he possesses has become so worn with worry.
In a quiet room I woke up today with no alarm.